“I feel like I’m constantly pushing and pulling with my boyfriend. He’s always pushing me away, which makes me cling to him more. But when I tell him I’ve had enough, he becomes affectionate again, reassuring me of his commitment. I don’t know how to fix this, please help”
– Ms. Chasing Love
Ms. Chasing Love,
I understand your frustration. I had this dynamic in most of my relationships when I was younger. I always needed to make the plans, or else I thought nobody would invite me to things. I needed to text first for any communication. My partner had friends who didn’t know he was dating me, even after three years of dating!
I found myself so lost. I gave up the friends he didn’t like, I stopped going to social events, and I even disconnected from some family. I did this all to make him happy. I did this to show him he was important to me. Why was all my effort not appreciated or reciprocated?
I found out that I was a love addict/codependent. Turns out all my effort was rooted in my fear of being abandoned.
As a child, I grew up in two homes. My father raised me with the woman he cheated on my mother with. I never had healthy love modeled to me. My mom was broken, and I hated seeing her used by men. When I was twelve, she got remarried and suddenly, the communication between her and I was cut off.
Every day I walked with shame. “Who will ever love me? I am unlovable; my mother knew me and loved me and left. She gave up on me.” I hated myself. I hated that I saw her in the mirror. Not only did I loathe my mother, I hated my father for what he did to her. He didn’t choose her, and I feared the same fate for myself.
At school people knew me as a “late bloomer”. I got teased for never kissing or dating often. I didn’t want to be the girl who wasn’t picked. So, when I’d get home I’d spam the “add” button on my suggested friend’s list. Every day I felt loved seeing notifications that guys I didn’t know were adding me back on social media. I felt chosen.
One day a boy added me, let’s call him Sam. Sam and I talked on Snapchat for about a week until we planned our first date. He was appealing to me because of how he excelled in school without seeming to try, and how athletic he was… all things I lacked. I felt like he was so special, so talented. And I believed that when people saw I was with him, they’d think I had to have something within me that earned Sam. I got my worth as a person by boasting about his abilities. I called it love at that time, but it wasn’t healthy.
After Sam moved away and ghosted me, that fear of abandonment came to life. I became suicidal and struggled to sleep and eat. I quit my job and blew my savings on reinventing myself. I had no clue who I truly was. I only liked what he liked, and hated what he hated. I realized then that this was not a healthy relationship dynamic after all. I had no self, only him. It wasn’t until he was gone, I realized I had already lost myself.
If you find yourself in a situation like me, here are some tips that helped me relearn how to date healthily.
Work On Self Esteem
I needed to learn who I was. I recommend stepping out of your comfort zone to see what you like and dislike. I ditched the clothes that I bought for school looks, and traded them for clothing that presented my personality. Finding outfits, I felt represented me gave me confidence when I walked into a room.
Step Outside Your Element
As humans, we need to know we have value to the world. As codependents, we need to make sure we know how to take care of ourselves. I did this when I flew out to Hawaii for a work exchange program. I often regret all the money I wasted there, but I needed to struggle to know I had it in me to be okay on my own. I am so grateful for all the stress that taught me independence.
Practice Agape
This was a practice that healed deep parts of me that had been broken from childhood. I practiced agape, loving everyone freely. I knew I had made an idol out of Sam. But what if I freely gave all that love to humanity? When speaking to anyone, I think about a cord being tied from my heart to theirs, connected in mutual love. This has made me more extroverted and enjoy conversations with strangers. Sometimes when I’m in a busy area, especially when people are stressing me out, I think to myself “I love that person. I love that guy. I love her too…” and so on. I step into humility knowing we’re only here together for so long. There are plenty of ways you can practice agape; return a shopping cart for an elderly person, open a door for someone, smile at a stranger in passing, practice eye contact, offer to help without expecting something in return, surprise someone with coffee, etc.
Practicing Gratitude
Looking at your life in the lens of gratitude will naturally help you feel happier and more at peace. I started a gratitude log with only a few things each day that went well for me. I saw my list grow daily, and it became so encouraging. It reinforced the feeling that I was on the right track with my life. When being single felt lonely, I talked to God and thanked him for the things that went well for me throughout the day. This practice helped me feel content about my life, not always wanting things to change. Sometimes I’d think about the growth that came from my struggles and thank God for them too. This has given me peace that no matter what happens, I will be okay.
Acknowledge The Love That is Always Around You
One of the most beautiful parts of being young and alone is seeing all the love that is abundant around you at all times. I found love in the way my parents held me when I was broken. I found love in my brothers, letting me crash at their place and catching up with me all night. I found love in the friends that made me feel heard. Love is always there. It might be found in your dog greeting you at the door. Maybe love is sealed in postcards from your long-distance relatives, or packed away in a lunchbox with a handwritten note. Look for it, you will find it. You are loved always.
I hope these tips help you, Ms. Chasing Love! These are tips that have helped me learn who I am to my core, and accept myself. I no longer fear abandonment because I know that what is meant for me will never leave me. I have peace, I hope you will too!
Much love,
Ms. Grace